but how do i know who i truly am, what i truly want, if my whole life i’ve lived for others? it’s like my brain is at war. when i realized i’ve been living for others and not for me i started to go through an existential crisis and i still am. because i wanna live for me, but i don’t know who i am.
hi lana, this is such a good question and one i’ve asked myself so so many times!! as i’m sure many others have <3 i’ve written a couple other posts that touch upon this but i’ll definitely be writing an in depth one dedicated to this ! in the meantime please feel free to dm me about anything i’m here x
It took me longer than I thought it would, but it takes asking yourself hard questions like "What do I really want?" and "What am I doing that serves others and not myself?" Radical Acceptance is something I grappled with for years and it became harder after figuring out I was autistic, but RA & meditation have really helped me. Radical acceptance means letting go of control, accepting things how they are without judgment in order to make the mind less reactive. You let go of control to get it back. Hope this helps 🫂
Check my other reply it may also help. One other thing I can say is learning self-love, so finding your inner child again. What's something you loved doing as a kid that maybe you hid away for fear of mockery? Maybe it's a goofy attitude, an interest in art, etc. It's silly but talk to yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you love, that it's not your fault you're missing pieces. A lot of introspection really, good luck.
This sounds like an opportunity to explore your curiosity and follow your whims! You will learn about yourself, not by sitting and thinking your way through it, but in following the things that interest you in the world. As an example, today on my drive home I noticed how fluffy the clouds looked and it made me smile but then questions popped in my head, "how are clouds even formed?" and, "why do they look fluffier some days?" So tonight I'm going to find an explainer video on youtube so I can answer those questions. Curiosity and learning how to recognize it is a skill that you can learn and practice.
Reflection is really helpful, but it tips into existential rumination when you do it for too long. In January 2023 I had a full-blown identity crisis, I couldn't remember a time in my life before or since that I felt so aware of being trapped inside myself. My skin felt suddenly felt too tight. I had been living half my life trapped inside my own head and now I had to figure out how to exist in my body. Paying attention, letting myself be bored, noticing my aches and pains but also the pleasure of a good stretch, leaving my hands unoccupied for a moment--all these things brought me into my body and that is a new way of learning yourself too.
Spot on. I grew up with emotionally immature/unavailable/codependent parents and spent the vast majority of my youth trying to make sure they were OK, or avoiding them all together. Until I couldn’t anymore. Then I whiplashed to having overly firm boundaries with them, but not with others. It wasn’t until lately that I realized I was a chronic people pleaser. I thought I was the opposite. Super independent. Didn’t rely on anyone for anything. How could I be a people pleaser?
So … now I’m spending a LOT of time, at 54, trying to actually feel my own feelings and understand my own wants and needs. It’s exhausting. Even when I do understand my own wants, it’s incredibly hard to prioritize them when I think that someone else will by upset by them. Trying to learn that it’s better to disappoint others than to disappoint yourself.
it took me ages to realise what i thought was helping.. was the same thing in a different package haha, thank you for taking the time to read this piece! :)
! i was kind of worried i wouldn’t be able to do the topic justice as it’s something i’ve struggled and worked on for years !!! so happy this resonated with you <3
".. because when you grow up with emotionally immature or dysregulated parents, love becomes conditional on your usefulness."
I don't think I've cried this much before reading something so profound and revelatory. Freedom has come by way of this piece and I'm grateful beyond words. Thank you!
cindy thank you thank you for your beautiful words you have no idea how much it means to me to be supported by someone who sees my writing with such clarity thank you! <33
You feel everything and nothing all at once is EXACTLY what I keep writing in my journal. Crazy to see it here today but thank you, I loved this piece 🫶
i did not know what I was getting myself into when I opened this article but you have struck a cord i did not even know was there. thank you
ahhh wow thank you so much <3!
This is it
Wow! Just wow. You said it so well I felt it all!
thank you so so much!
That was my EXACT reaction! JUST WOW! Incredible!!
but how do i know who i truly am, what i truly want, if my whole life i’ve lived for others? it’s like my brain is at war. when i realized i’ve been living for others and not for me i started to go through an existential crisis and i still am. because i wanna live for me, but i don’t know who i am.
hi lana, this is such a good question and one i’ve asked myself so so many times!! as i’m sure many others have <3 i’ve written a couple other posts that touch upon this but i’ll definitely be writing an in depth one dedicated to this ! in the meantime please feel free to dm me about anything i’m here x
It took me longer than I thought it would, but it takes asking yourself hard questions like "What do I really want?" and "What am I doing that serves others and not myself?" Radical Acceptance is something I grappled with for years and it became harder after figuring out I was autistic, but RA & meditation have really helped me. Radical acceptance means letting go of control, accepting things how they are without judgment in order to make the mind less reactive. You let go of control to get it back. Hope this helps 🫂
same question. i’ve read enough relatable pieces, but now i want to know how to undo the damage and start finding myself.
Check my other reply it may also help. One other thing I can say is learning self-love, so finding your inner child again. What's something you loved doing as a kid that maybe you hid away for fear of mockery? Maybe it's a goofy attitude, an interest in art, etc. It's silly but talk to yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you love, that it's not your fault you're missing pieces. A lot of introspection really, good luck.
Worth a shot, thank you Gordon!
Thank you :-)
Learning to enjoy your own company helps. It can feel lonely at first, but if you give it enough time, you’ll come into your own.
This sounds like an opportunity to explore your curiosity and follow your whims! You will learn about yourself, not by sitting and thinking your way through it, but in following the things that interest you in the world. As an example, today on my drive home I noticed how fluffy the clouds looked and it made me smile but then questions popped in my head, "how are clouds even formed?" and, "why do they look fluffier some days?" So tonight I'm going to find an explainer video on youtube so I can answer those questions. Curiosity and learning how to recognize it is a skill that you can learn and practice.
Reflection is really helpful, but it tips into existential rumination when you do it for too long. In January 2023 I had a full-blown identity crisis, I couldn't remember a time in my life before or since that I felt so aware of being trapped inside myself. My skin felt suddenly felt too tight. I had been living half my life trapped inside my own head and now I had to figure out how to exist in my body. Paying attention, letting myself be bored, noticing my aches and pains but also the pleasure of a good stretch, leaving my hands unoccupied for a moment--all these things brought me into my body and that is a new way of learning yourself too.
Attention, curiosity, and embodiment. <3
Spot on. I grew up with emotionally immature/unavailable/codependent parents and spent the vast majority of my youth trying to make sure they were OK, or avoiding them all together. Until I couldn’t anymore. Then I whiplashed to having overly firm boundaries with them, but not with others. It wasn’t until lately that I realized I was a chronic people pleaser. I thought I was the opposite. Super independent. Didn’t rely on anyone for anything. How could I be a people pleaser?
So … now I’m spending a LOT of time, at 54, trying to actually feel my own feelings and understand my own wants and needs. It’s exhausting. Even when I do understand my own wants, it’s incredibly hard to prioritize them when I think that someone else will by upset by them. Trying to learn that it’s better to disappoint others than to disappoint yourself.
Thanks so much for putting words to it all …
🫂
I had an aha moment when reading that putting up walls was essentially the same thing in reverse….wow
it took me ages to realise what i thought was helping.. was the same thing in a different package haha, thank you for taking the time to read this piece! :)
Wow it’s like you’re in my head 😭 This was very beautifully written, thank you for sharing it with us!
thank you for taking the time to read this <3!!
Yeah u know what fuck being easy to love I want to be fought for I want to be loved so intensely that my flaws become pretty
period !
this article read me like a book. My therapist explained these things to me but i think i needed to visually read it and understand it wholly
! i was kind of worried i wouldn’t be able to do the topic justice as it’s something i’ve struggled and worked on for years !!! so happy this resonated with you <3
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so seen in my life
".. because when you grow up with emotionally immature or dysregulated parents, love becomes conditional on your usefulness."
I don't think I've cried this much before reading something so profound and revelatory. Freedom has come by way of this piece and I'm grateful beyond words. Thank you!
cindy thank you thank you for your beautiful words you have no idea how much it means to me to be supported by someone who sees my writing with such clarity thank you! <33
You feel everything and nothing all at once is EXACTLY what I keep writing in my journal. Crazy to see it here today but thank you, I loved this piece 🫶
thank you!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼
explained everything in my life pyschologically and socially.
🫶🏼
I have never been seen by a Substack article as much as this one. You’ve put into words what I’ve struggled with for years. Thank you!!
this is so beautifully written, i am speechless
ohmygosh thank you!
Oh I didn’t open my camera app? Why am I seeing myself 🥲💔
🫶🏼🫶🏼
Beautifully stated and right on time.
💌