I was devastated when I realized I lost myself in my marriage. Now I spend every day finding bits of myself, discovering new bits of myself and most importantly stop giving myself to people who do not know or care for my true self. I have spent 20 years with my husband and it still crushes me when he doesn’t know my favorite food, or something silly like that. I am building myself. I’m done adjusting/losing myself to another person. In any relationship I want to be accepted for who I am, not what I can give you. I’m not a fucking vending machine. I’m a god damn person and I cannot give myself away ever again. I love myself too much now.
this is so beautiful amanda i’m so so happy for you! :) shifting a mindset like this, is so powerful, because of how difficult it is, and how much it can do for you, and vending machine is the most perfect metaphor for this, love is not meant to be one sided <3
For the first time in my life I have found peace within myself. I’m building something completely new for me, and it’s scary but beautiful at the same time. I’m ready to learn who Amanda is and not be afraid to share it.
In this one article, you’ve summarized approximately 20 years of personal life experience. I wonder if this message would have resonated as much with me BEFORE making decisions as a younger man that led me to becoming scaffolding…
thank you james! i feel like certain mindsets or messages or things we tell ourselves don’t really sink in until it’s time to. you can read all the theory and all the self-help books and articles, but actually living it is such a different experience. one that’s so, so much harder, and i’ve found, it’s something that’s an ongoing practice :)
This is an incredible piece. It really set off an ‘ahhh’ moment in my mind. When you’ve rarely been taught or seen what loving ‘right/correctly’ looks and feels like, loving someone in any way possible that makes them stay, is what feels ‘right’.
thank you so much sarah!! it feels like, to be honest, i’ve had so many ah moments throughout my life, especially in the recent years, but even after that click, that “lightbulb”, the next thing you know you find yourself repeating the exact same patterns that you’d been trying so hard to teach yourself differently on, especially when, like you said, it’s all you’ve ever really known. it really is such a spiral sequence of events as opposed to a staircase, usually a spiral inwards,, thank you again so much for reading this piece <33
Some lines in here felt like calm whispers, some felt like powerful bars, some felt like gut punches. You spoke right to my soul. I’ll be saving this to come back to from time to time 🤍
So much wisdom. I really like how you handle the shadow side of love—and the great shadow of love is losing oneself. Such a tragic irony, indeed. Often we’re told to find ourselves anew, trying to normalize things afterwards, pretending it’s a good thing. But how is the person to do that while in shattered pieces after the relationship is gone, a dented ego at best, a Picasso painting reflecting the self.
This absolutely resonates with me and although I don't think I'm abandoning myself, I am and I do it over and over again. It's as if I'm trying to build a self whilst wanting to be seen as acceptable too. Old behaviours take such a long time to see, let alone change. I'm trying to be me whilst also trying to belong, but this article has truly highlighted where I can make more positive changes. I guess I'm still overly concerned with how/what people think of me when I need to block out that noise. Thank you for helping me to keep moving along my path and to see the pitfalls along the way; it's as if you're shining a light in the darkness for me and I'm grateful 🙏 Karen
thank you so much for this message karen, i’m beyond grateful to be able to offer any type of help or even to have my words mean something to you and your lived experiences, sending so much love your way <33
This has made me realise the reason my best friend and I are so similar isn’t because we have the same mind or thoughts about things, it’s because I adhere to her way of thinking, to her thoughts and opinions. All because I lack the self worth and self confidence to prioritise my enjoyments and thoughts. I am a people pleaser and i believe that for her to stay, I have to be reliable and relatable, ignoring what I originally liked or enjoyed. I have lost myself in the process of prioritising my relationships so much so that I am now the only person who knows my truth self. I am watched and viewed as a replica of the person in front of me and not my genuine and authentic person. How do I even change this? I want to have my own enjoyments and thoughts that other people can see me for. I feel like the media also prevents this with over-consumption of products, ideals, and opinions. Is there a way to defy all of these things without giving them up? I don’t want to have to prevent use of social media solely because I can’t rebel against it, just like I don’t want to lose friends if I start prioritising my feelings instead of theirs.
"it happens when you feel more at home in someone else’s needs than your own." Okay, ouch. How dare you be able to exactly pinpoint the feeling I've had for years and now made me realise THIS is what it is?? Especially being in a new relationship of my own, it has become very apparent for me. Thank you for this. Truly.
That shut down scurrying feeling when someone asks what you like/enjoy/loathe. It's like being caught in a lie in a criminal investigation because you don't have personal consistency. I cannot love this enough. Thank you!
wow - this speaks to me so much, having lost myself in so many ways - in my career, in motherhood, in relationships - even relationships in which losing myself was explicitly the point. trying to write my way back to myself now.
Beautiful piece, more often that not it takes so much time for one to actually realize they’re losing themselves; especially in relationships! I’m so glad reading this gave me a lot of clarity on maneuvering around connections & the science behind patterns/cycles repeating themselves! Thank you for sharing 🌸b
I was devastated when I realized I lost myself in my marriage. Now I spend every day finding bits of myself, discovering new bits of myself and most importantly stop giving myself to people who do not know or care for my true self. I have spent 20 years with my husband and it still crushes me when he doesn’t know my favorite food, or something silly like that. I am building myself. I’m done adjusting/losing myself to another person. In any relationship I want to be accepted for who I am, not what I can give you. I’m not a fucking vending machine. I’m a god damn person and I cannot give myself away ever again. I love myself too much now.
this is so beautiful amanda i’m so so happy for you! :) shifting a mindset like this, is so powerful, because of how difficult it is, and how much it can do for you, and vending machine is the most perfect metaphor for this, love is not meant to be one sided <3
For the first time in my life I have found peace within myself. I’m building something completely new for me, and it’s scary but beautiful at the same time. I’m ready to learn who Amanda is and not be afraid to share it.
Thank you for sharing your writing. It matters 💗
<33!!
Oh my. This was just what I needed at exactly the right moment.
ahh so happy you found this ! <33
In this one article, you’ve summarized approximately 20 years of personal life experience. I wonder if this message would have resonated as much with me BEFORE making decisions as a younger man that led me to becoming scaffolding…
thank you james! i feel like certain mindsets or messages or things we tell ourselves don’t really sink in until it’s time to. you can read all the theory and all the self-help books and articles, but actually living it is such a different experience. one that’s so, so much harder, and i’ve found, it’s something that’s an ongoing practice :)
It is definitely a practice…
This is an incredible piece. It really set off an ‘ahhh’ moment in my mind. When you’ve rarely been taught or seen what loving ‘right/correctly’ looks and feels like, loving someone in any way possible that makes them stay, is what feels ‘right’.
thank you so much sarah!! it feels like, to be honest, i’ve had so many ah moments throughout my life, especially in the recent years, but even after that click, that “lightbulb”, the next thing you know you find yourself repeating the exact same patterns that you’d been trying so hard to teach yourself differently on, especially when, like you said, it’s all you’ve ever really known. it really is such a spiral sequence of events as opposed to a staircase, usually a spiral inwards,, thank you again so much for reading this piece <33
Some lines in here felt like calm whispers, some felt like powerful bars, some felt like gut punches. You spoke right to my soul. I’ll be saving this to come back to from time to time 🤍
thank you angel for such a beautiful comment <3!
So much wisdom. I really like how you handle the shadow side of love—and the great shadow of love is losing oneself. Such a tragic irony, indeed. Often we’re told to find ourselves anew, trying to normalize things afterwards, pretending it’s a good thing. But how is the person to do that while in shattered pieces after the relationship is gone, a dented ego at best, a Picasso painting reflecting the self.
Thanks for this.
it really is such a tragic irony. the way you described it, a dented ego, a picasso painting reflecting the self, is honestly the perfect imagery <3
❤️
🫶🏼
I am her, she is me
<3
Nice 👌
:))
Love is a blessing whether you find yourself or lose it, it is enough to be honest with yourself.
This absolutely resonates with me and although I don't think I'm abandoning myself, I am and I do it over and over again. It's as if I'm trying to build a self whilst wanting to be seen as acceptable too. Old behaviours take such a long time to see, let alone change. I'm trying to be me whilst also trying to belong, but this article has truly highlighted where I can make more positive changes. I guess I'm still overly concerned with how/what people think of me when I need to block out that noise. Thank you for helping me to keep moving along my path and to see the pitfalls along the way; it's as if you're shining a light in the darkness for me and I'm grateful 🙏 Karen
thank you so much for this message karen, i’m beyond grateful to be able to offer any type of help or even to have my words mean something to you and your lived experiences, sending so much love your way <33
This has made me realise the reason my best friend and I are so similar isn’t because we have the same mind or thoughts about things, it’s because I adhere to her way of thinking, to her thoughts and opinions. All because I lack the self worth and self confidence to prioritise my enjoyments and thoughts. I am a people pleaser and i believe that for her to stay, I have to be reliable and relatable, ignoring what I originally liked or enjoyed. I have lost myself in the process of prioritising my relationships so much so that I am now the only person who knows my truth self. I am watched and viewed as a replica of the person in front of me and not my genuine and authentic person. How do I even change this? I want to have my own enjoyments and thoughts that other people can see me for. I feel like the media also prevents this with over-consumption of products, ideals, and opinions. Is there a way to defy all of these things without giving them up? I don’t want to have to prevent use of social media solely because I can’t rebel against it, just like I don’t want to lose friends if I start prioritising my feelings instead of theirs.
this is so much relatable...never did i read something as resonating with me as this post, thanks !
"it happens when you feel more at home in someone else’s needs than your own." Okay, ouch. How dare you be able to exactly pinpoint the feeling I've had for years and now made me realise THIS is what it is?? Especially being in a new relationship of my own, it has become very apparent for me. Thank you for this. Truly.
That shut down scurrying feeling when someone asks what you like/enjoy/loathe. It's like being caught in a lie in a criminal investigation because you don't have personal consistency. I cannot love this enough. Thank you!
wow - this speaks to me so much, having lost myself in so many ways - in my career, in motherhood, in relationships - even relationships in which losing myself was explicitly the point. trying to write my way back to myself now.
Beautiful piece, more often that not it takes so much time for one to actually realize they’re losing themselves; especially in relationships! I’m so glad reading this gave me a lot of clarity on maneuvering around connections & the science behind patterns/cycles repeating themselves! Thank you for sharing 🌸b