encourage your jealousy
on envy as a mirror and the alchemy of turning lack into self-revelation
throughout life, i found myself jealous of people who seemed to have an easy childhood. the kind of childhood where laughter filled rooms and fears didn’t lurk in the corners of their minds. where their stories weren’t tangled up in silence or unspoken grief. i watched them move through the world gliding effortlessly, while i fumbled with how to fold my wings and take flight. i wondered what it was like to wake up without the ache of past pain or the constant question of whether i belonged anywhere.
i was also often jealous of people who seemed to move through life with a seemingly carefree charm, the ones who walked into crowded rooms and took up space without asking for permission, whose voices found the perfect resonance without trying too hard. their sense of self felt fixed and secure, wrapped in something recognisable and reliable.
i was jealous because i felt like a blur, a mix of half-finished thoughts and shifting moods. wading through a fog of trying to figure out who i was while watching others wear their identities as if they had never known anything else. i wanted that steadiness inside myself. i wanted to speak my mind without hesitation or apology. i was jealous of those who could be loud or intrusive, who acted up or rebelled without worrying what anyone thought, while i folded myself smaller and smaller.