jealousy’s hidden logic
on envy as a mirror and the alchemy of turning lack into self-revelation
throughout life, i found myself jealous of people who seemed to have an easy childhood. the kind of childhood where laughter filled rooms and fears didn’t lurk in the corners of their minds. where their stories weren’t tangled up in silence or unspoken grief. i watched them move through the world gliding effortlessly, while i fumbled with how to fold my wings and take flight. i wondered what it was like to wake up without the ache of past pain or the constant question of whether i belonged anywhere.
i was also often jealous of people who seemed to move through life with a seemingly carefree charm, the ones who walked into crowded rooms and took up space without asking for permission, whose voices found the perfect resonance without trying too hard. their sense of self felt fixed and secure, wrapped in something recognisable and reliable. i wanted to be a person who was known for something. maybe it was having an aesthetic, or a hobby, or just something tied to the kind of clarity that lets the world say, that’s her, without explanation. because i often felt like a blur, a mix of half-finished thoughts and shifting moods. wading through a fog of trying to figure out who i was while watching others wear their identities as if they had never known anything else. i wanted that steadiness inside myself. i wanted to speak my mind without hesitation or apology. i was jealous of those who could be loud or intrusive, who acted up or rebelled without worrying what anyone thought, while i folded myself smaller and smaller.
a small note before you dive in
if you’re reading this, thank you. really. i don’t take it lightly that you’ve chosen to spend your time, energy, and curiosity here.
this essay is different in a few ways. i’ve chosen to split it into titled sections, something i don’t usually do, not to make it feel like a textbook, but so that you, the reader, can move through it however you need to. this topic is layered and emotionally dense, and i wanted to make it easier to revisit the parts that interest you the most, parts you want to question, or learn more about.
you’ll notice this piece weaves together personal reflections, myth, science, film, and philosophy. jealousy is a messy, complex emotion, and it felt important to approach it from many angles, not just as something to fix, but as something to understand. i hope, in reading this, you feel less alone in your feelings. or at the very least, more curious about where they come from.